Day 7: Drink
Mr. Phish is basically a 12-year-old boy trapped in a 36-year-old body. He collects football cards. He plays Playstation. He hates getting up in the morning and he never picks up his clothes.
But the worst of it is his diet. Mr. Phish eats like there’s no tomorrow. Like a bear coming out of hibernation. Like a one-month-old baby who’s into cluster feedings.
And he eats crap. Chips, cookies, chocolate bars. He’ll dip anything into french onion dip–chips, pretzels, a spoon.
But his job is active, so he burns it off. Though he does have a slight tummy, I would say he maintains a pretty even weight, despite eating approximately 15,000 calories each day, and half of that after 9pm.
The adolescent eating habits extend to beverages as well. Hi-C, Coke, and Kool-Aid. That’s right, you heard me right. Dude drinks Kool-Aid. And not just a little. He loves the stuff.
When we first met and he shared with me his passionate love of fruit punch Kool-Aid, I thought, huh. Weird. I haven’t had Kool-Aid since I was a little kid. I didn’t think much of it, mostly because I didn’t realize grown-ups drank Kool-Aid. But I figured it was better than booze and he seemed nice enough. So I let it go.
Whether it’s 2006 or 2026, there will be a pitcher of Kool-Aid in our fridge. Most often fruit punch, but he will occasionally dabble in grape (the favored flavor of 12-year-old Christine). He drinks it at every meal. He mixes it with vodka and Sprite to create his “special” drink.
Mr. Phish drinks almost a pitcher of Kool-Aid a day and eats entire chocolate bars in a single bound. I would conservatively estimate his daily sugar consumption at 6.75 cups. But after a seven-year absence (!), a recent visit to the dentist revealed nary a cavity to be found. As in none, zero, zip, zilch. I think Kool-Aid may have magical cavity-fighting powers. Just sayin’.
(And yes, in case you’re wondering, that is a giant box of Nestle Nesquik next to Kool-Aid Man. I wasn’t kidding about the 12-year-old boy thing.)
I hope our kids get his teeth. And my taste in beverages.